And hello Momo. Hehehe. Have you ever feel your happiness was simply crushed into pieces in just in one second? Well I’ve been in that situation. Twice. And currently.
Momo pernah rasa kena betray tak? Mesti pernah kan. Yelah, people can not be trusted anyway. Well yeah. Erm apa eh Momo punya reaction kalau in that that situation? Kalau aku, aku jadi gila kejap. Uncontrolled. Hahahaha.
Tapi kalini takboleh. I’m stucked. In the middle. Tahu, diorang bukan betray pun. They wanted the best instead. Tapi aku yang rasa teraniaya. Rasa kena tipu. Sama macam rasa kena betray. Momo, aku ni jahat gila kan? Tahu. Semua orang pun tahu yang aku ni jahat. Aku ingat dah takda harapan. Yelah untuk jadi baik. But bila mmu, harapan tu datang balik. Berkobar-kobar. Wah seronoknya jadi baik. Tak, its beyond that. Lepas masuk mmu, aku tahu tujuan hidup. Kenapa aku kat dunia ni. Apa tanggungjawab aku kat dunia ni. Berat sangat.
Momo, rumah Momo best tak? Mesti best kan. Because I don’t even have home. I cant even say home sweet home with all of my feelings. Because its not sweet. I always feel like escaping. Leaving. I did it somehow. Pergi mmu dah cukup escape. Assignment banyak so takleh balik rumah selalu.
They make me feel like home. They give me what I don’t have. What Ive always wanted. They basically gave me everything. And finally at this one point they crushed me. Into pieces. They don’t even considerate what situation that ive been in right now. Theyre being cruel. So cruel. They know I’m stuck in the middle. I coulnt stay, neither run away. I can go nowhere.
Ive been wonderin if ever they know how actually I appreciated whatever hell that they give to me before. How actually Im so grateful to meet them. How I finally think that this world is not that cruel to me, I don’t have a real home, I have them.
Yet, they crushed it. They crushed everything.
My feelings? I’m angry. Frustrated. Dissapointed. I’m trying to not to, because that’s not the right way that im supposed to feel. I couldnt help to feel it because im not a normal kid who grew up normally with a happy dappy backround and accept everthing and whatever. My life is a hell. They make me feels like heaven. Then suddenly they threw me to hell themselves. What I’m supposed to feel then? Happy? No. Of course not.
Ok yeah kita accept whatever tarbiyyyah that Alllah wanna give to us. I’m fully understand that. But, I coulnt understand when they actually can control it but they used the statement above to cover it. I mean ah how to say it in a good way umm, they are doing good, at least they thought that thayre doing good.
Well aku rasa fake gila. Jumpa diorang smiling macam tak rasa apa2. Macam tak pernah sakit. Macam nothing happened. Then should I just stop it right here? I know that I should not, but if I continue on being fake, whats the different then?
That’s why I said. They are beig cruel, not considering whatever my situation is. When they wanna do it, they will just do it. Im not that fast, but Im trying to run. They are making slower. They are making me feels like I wanna stop. What im supposed to do then?
They are not bad. They wanted the best. Theyre just not thinking bout this thoroughly enough. Maybe not. Maybe Im the one who is bad. Who am I to them anyway. If I wanna stop, they wouldnt care anyway. Im not important anyway. Because Im just an annoying troublemaker who give them headache. Im such a troublesome to them all this time. I know. I’m the one who is cruel here. I’m bad. Very bad.
Bye.
